Divine Work?

My family attended a baptism this morning...friends of ours had a daughter (T) a few weeks after Nacho was born, and today they welcomed her into their faith. Watching this happen was quite lovely-I'd never witnessed this particular rite before, and especially nice was the fact that the baby's uncle (her mom's brother) was the priest who conducted the rite.

After the church service, we gathered at the family home for a small party. I knew almost all of the attendees, and was glad to see one set of T's grandparents again-I'd last seen them when I was about 38 weeks pregnant. T's grandad is a product of a midwestern 1950's upbringing. He and I certainly don't see eye to eye on a lot of things; I think if he knew what a tree-hugger I was he'd be surprised.

We've made some life choices for now that make it possible for me to stay home with Nacho. I feel strongly that right now, she needs to be with me as much as is reasonable, and I realize that that means trade offs (and I also realize that this isn't possible for everyone.) T's grandfather and I were talking about my choice to stay home and was unbelievably complementary. He said he was very proud that I'd make that choice in spite of being looked down on by other women of my generation for it, and that I was "doing the work that G-d gave me."

I don't particularly think of the decision to stay home with Nacho to be divine work or anything. And I don't think that this man meant it in the way that it sounds-in the whole "a woman's place is in the house, taking care of the family" kind of thing. I think what he meant is that children need parents who are there for them, to provide guidance, to nurture and to teach, to step in when needed. Or, as he put it, "to ask the questions-where are you going, who are you going with, when are you coming home, and to say no and set limits and boundaries."

But it's hard sometimes to remember the value in the choice we made. When I spend a good part of the day sitting under a sleeping baby because that's the only way she'll take a nap, and so the dishes don't get done, the laundry isn't folded, and dinner isn't started, and all the other little things aren't done, I wonder about how much good I'm really doing for my family.

Babysitters?

Else-net, I read a post on a message board I've been participating in for about a year...since early in my pregnancy with my daughter. On this message board, someone referred to her husband's taking care of their child as "babysitting." I couldn't even begin to respond to the question she was asking, which was very reasonable one because I was so frustrated at the description of babysitting.

My husband and I chose to have a child together. When we leave the child with someone else to care for for a short period of time, the child will be with a babysitter. (We haven't yet left her with someone, though I'm sure eventually, we will.) But my husband is her parent-and the things he does with her and for her are not babysitting. When he sent me out of the house to the bookstore, because I was touched out and going to lose my mind if I stayed home any longer and said to me, "Leave the baby here" he wasn't babysitting. He was being a parent. When he takes Nacho out to do errands with him and says to me "Have some time for yourself" and encourages me to do things like take a long shower, or a nap, he's not babysitting. He's acting as parent to Nacho, and partner to me.

It makes me angry to hear people refer to time that men spend with their children as "babysitting"-I think it diminishes the role that men play in the lives of children. Nacho's father has all sorts of things that he can share and teach that are different from what I've got. She'll create her own special and unique moments with her Dad just like I have memories of spending time with my Dad, and things he did with us when we were children, and especially times that were spent with Dad alone and not Mom-going to the electrical supply store and being encouraged by the owners to ring all the doorbells, or the annual trip into New York City each winter for lunch, holiday windows and a little shopping. And perhaps, most memorable, the year that Dad decided that we were old enough to learn to ride the subway by ourselves...he handed me a list of places to go, a subway map and a bag of tokens and said "Let's go." I cherish the time spent with my Dad, but he wasn't babysitting...he was spending time with his children, which is, I would say, an essential part of what parents do. Some of that time may have been essentially "giving my Mom a break" but that's part of sharing the parenting responsibility-respecting that parents need time and space to take care of adult needs and adult responsibilities, to nurture themselves and their own personal growth the way we nurture our children and care for our relationships. And sometimes just to go to the bathroom with the door closed.


Let's call the time that fathers spend with children what it is. Parenting.

World Breastfeeding Week

I was invited to write a guest blog for Attachement Living in honor of World Breastfeeding Week.

August 1 began World Breastfeeding Week. We all know breast is best, and we recognize the value of the breastfeeding relationship. Even formula cans remind us that breast milk is best. But what about when it doesn't work?

I wanted to breastfeed. I planned for it. I looked forward to it. I bought the books, went to La Leche League, and met with a wonderful lactation consultant before my daughter was born all in hopes of circumventing the issues that can come from PCOS and hypothyroidism. I took the appropriate medications and learned about the ways to increase supply. I went in with an attitude focused on success.

You can read the rest over at Attachment Living

Why are we here?

My daughter is 105 days old today. She rolled over from her belly to her back today, stole my glasses off my face and I've been convinced to start blogging.

I'm a 30-something first time Mom to a lovely daughter whose nickname is Nacho. I'm trying hard to be an attached parent and to follow the principles of attachment parenting/intuitive parenting. I've been married for three years. It took a while to get pregnant while we dealt with multiple fertility issues, but with a little help from Clomid, we got there.


Why "Evolution of Mom?" Because motherhood isn't something you get in one day. And the job isn't the same as your child grows. I'm not the same as I was when I got pregnant, nor the day I gave birth nor even two weeks ago. As my daughter grows, so do I.